Driving me crazy!

This week I noticed that the only time I am ever really angry, annoyed or have the feeling that I might actually lose my temper and beat someone to death with their own stupidity is when I'm driving.

I have what I believe people are calling “road rage”. However, unlike the popular press, I do not see my “road rage” as a negative thing. Some people are arses, utterly terrible drivers, and they need informing of this as loudly and aggressively as possible. They are, after all, in charge of a motor vehicle which has the potential to kill! Ergo, when they do something stupid and/or dangerous they should be scolded for it.

This is why I decided, after a suggestion from Anthony, to make a “Top 5 things that annoy me whilst driving list”. Here goes:

5. Driving too close to the car in front.

I can only drive as fast as the car in front of me, I cannot just ram it off the road (not legally anyway) and driving dangerously close to me will just annoy me so I'll eventually stop and beat you which will mean it takes you even longer to get were you need to be. Also you have to remember my car is small and light, if I slam my breaks on you will not have time to react no matter how fast you think you are. Just back off!!!

4. Driving too slowly.

The road sign indicates you may do 60mph it is a clear beautiful day and there is no traffic, what speed do you think is acceptable? Well the idiot I was behind the other day thought 25mph! 35mph slower than is suggested. I am not saying that you should always drive at the limits, but use some sense. If you cannot for any reason travel faster than 25mph then don't go out, in fact stay in and place a plastic bag tightly over your head and wait for the icy touch of death you ridiculous human being. Slow drivers cause normal humans to take extra risks, like overtaking, when they would otherwise not need to thus causing accidents! GET A GRIP SLOW DRIVERS!

3. Cutting in at the last second.

So you know you need the next exit, but there is traffic queueing, what do you do? Wait at the back like a sensible person or drive to the front and bully your way in? Well if you are a total fucking arse you might like to try to bully your way in, be warned however that I will crash into the side of your Audi/BMW when you try this as I have been waiting with all these other people. Manners cost nothing, use them wait your turn or join the slow drivers in their plastic bag. WAIT IN LINE!

2. Talking on the phone whilst driving.

This isn't just about phones here, I've seen people doing all kinds of stuff whilst they should be driving, but it is the phones which I see most. These idiots will cut you up, be on the wrong side of the road and not have control of their vehicle. There is a reason it is against the law to hold your phone to the side of your head whilst driving, it is dangerous! You might not give a shit about your own life but I quite like mine you jackass, hang up and drive or pull over and finish your chat whilst not moving. There are also loads of bluetooth things you could get so you can talk hands-free, get one of those if you have to talk to someone whilst driving.

I have a theory that someone on the other end is talking them through how to operate a motor vehicle and that is why they are so bad at it.

1. Stopping at a give way junction!

NO IT IS NOT A FUCKING STOP LINE! KEEP MOVING! THERE IS CLEARLY NOTHING COMING! I bloody hate this with a passion. Some people ALWAYS stop at a roundabout, without question actually STOP! It is not a stop line, it is an instruction that you should give way to traffic coming from the right (UK). When the road is clear you should keep moving. Why do so many people stop? I hate them so much! They are also usually the slow driver (see number 4.).

Quote of the week:
"What sort of world do we live in where a man would steal another man's battle ostrich?"

How's my driving?